


hold on when you get love (and let go when you give it)

by zagirlfriends



Category: Riverdale (TV 2017)
Genre: Canon Compliant, F/F, and cheryl blossom contemplates her sexuality, if veronica can say the words toxic masculinity then choni can discuss comphet by name, like cheryl's suicide attempt and almost rape, more dialogue than i'm used to writing, toni topaz gets a backstory, trigger warning for canon traumatic events
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-05
Updated: 2018-09-05
Packaged: 2019-07-07 10:06:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,352
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15906114
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zagirlfriends/pseuds/zagirlfriends
Summary: Five important conversations Toni and Cheryl have during their first summer together as a couple.





	hold on when you get love (and let go when you give it)

**Author's Note:**

> This was partly inspired by Madelaine saying she thinks Toni and Cheryl "bared their souls" to each other over the summer, and partly by how I never get tired of reading about Cheryl telling Toni about her past traumas and wanting to try my hand at writing that, since we’ll probably never get to see it onscreen.
> 
> Title is from a Stars song. Shout out to my friend Ikea for reading this over and my other friend [kurzelx](https://archiveofourown.org/users/kurzelx) for proofreading.

**i.**

Ever since she was a kid, Toni’s spent the 4th of July at Sunnyside Trailer Park with her fellow Serpents.

Hog Eye and a few of the other older members would barbecue burgers and hot dogs for everyone to eat before they started the fireworks once it got dark.

She’s thinking she’ll be skipping it this year, though, to spend it with Cheryl.

Toni doesn’t imagine there will be any barbecuing or red solo cups or fireworks for them today, but she doesn’t mind; it’s going to be a hard day for Cheryl, and Toni just wants to be there with her - _for_ her, in any way that she can.

Even if that involves getting up before dawn to drive down to Sweetwater River.

“Did you know JJ didn’t die on July 4th?” Cheryl wonders as she steps out of her convertible, white dress blowing in the breeze as she makes her way towards the front of the car.

Toni grimaces as she does the same, more than aware of the days between when Jason Blossom first disappeared on July 4th and when he died a week later. “Yeah, Cher. I know.”

Cheryl looks at her sideways, taking a moment to understand her somber tone before her eyes widen just a smidge once she does. “Right, of course you know,” the redhead says softly, shaking her head. Toni waits for her to say more, but she leaves it at that before continuing her original thought. “It’s the day I saw him last, though. So I suppose I felt it more appropo to pay my respects today rather than the actual day he passed.”

Toni lets Cheryl’s words hang in the silence for a moment, pushing herself up on the hood of Cheryl’s cherry red car and gently pulling her girlfriend over to settle between her legs.

“Is that why you wanted to come out here today?” Toni prods gently, carefully wrapping her arms around Cheryl as she leans back against her.

“This is the place I was last with him,” Cheryl shares, even though Toni already knows that; the whole _town_ knows that. “It’s… _difficult_ for me to be here, but it only seems fitting.”

Toni licks her lips as she considers her next question, “Is this the first time you’ve been back here since?”

“No,” Cheryl answers with a subtle shake of her head that Toni feels more than she sees. “I've been here twice before.”

“Do you want to tell me about them?” Toni offers, squeezing her girlfriend’s hips just a bit to remind her that she’s here with her, and that she’s safe. “You don’t have to, but you know I’m here to listen if you want to.”

Sometimes Cheryl is an open book, all too eager to share the horrors of her past with someone that actually cares, but other times it feels like Toni’s trying to break into a bank vault, with all the walls the redhead puts up.

Today seems like it might be more like the former, though, thankfully.

“The first time was the night JJ’s body washed up on the shore,” Cheryl shares after a heavy beat, and Toni feels it in her chest. "Kevin and Moose found him on one of their late night sexcapades."

Again, it’s something everyone in Riverdale knows - the Jason part, anyways.

Toni hadn’t thought of Cheryl when she first heard the news, or even of Jason’s parents, but just of her Serpent family; worried it might inevitably be pinned on them like every other bad thing that ever happens in this town is.

She’s thinking of Cheryl now, though, of what it must have been like to get that phone call and see that sight, without anyone there to comfort her.

“I can’t imagine what that must have been like,” Toni says softly into Cheryl’s hair, pulling her even closer to remind her again that she’s here now - that it's almost a year later and she's not alone anymore.

“I held out hope for so long that he’d gotten away like he’d planned, that he was just waiting for the perfect time to contact me. But seeing his body like that…” Her voice trails off as she sniffles, a hand coming up to discreetly wipe at her eyes. “Well, it certainly dispelled any doubt.”

Toni presses a kiss to the back of Cheryl’s head and waits a beat or two, a bit scared to ask her next question. “And the second time?”

There’s a pregnant pause, and then:

“Was when I came here to take my own life,” Cheryl states plainly, eyes straight ahead and voice matter-of-fact.

Toni goes stock still, her stomach dropping to her feet at the same time as the air is completely sucked from her lungs.

She had expected bad, but this...

“ _Cheryl_ ,” is all she can say, and even that barely makes it past the lump that’s formed in her throat.

Luckily, Cheryl seems to sense that Toni’s struggling with what to say, and continues on her own accord.

“It wasn’t as dark as it sounds, truly,” she begins in a whisper, turning her head slightly towards her girlfriend, but still not looking at her quite yet. “It was after the truth about daddy came out, what he did to JJ and the business. After he hanged himself in the barn.” Cheryl sighs heavily, taking one of Toni’s stiff hands and uncurling it so she can play with her fingers nervously. “As I’m sure you can imagine, my emotions were quite scattered and my mother-”

“ _Of fucking course_ ,” Toni hisses, finally finding something to say.

Leave it to her intense hatred of Penelope Blossom to break through the overwhelming haze clouding her brain and general motor functions, if not the pressure squeezing her heart.

“Mumsie said something that…” Cheryl trails off, as if thinking of something for the first time, then shakes her head. “Truthfully, I’m not sure what her intentions were when she said it - if she was attempting to put an idea in my head while I was vulnerable or if she was genuine and merely speaking aloud through her own grief.” That Cheryl would even give her mother any kind of benefit of the doubt after everything she’s done, well, it makes Toni marvel, and rage. “But cruel intentions or not, I found myself coming here to be with Jason.”

Toni swallows thickly, blinking back her own tears at the thought of her girlfriend - her beautiful, wonderful, amazing girlfriend - ever feeling that hopeless or lonely.

It really shouldn’t be a surprise when she thinks about it, but it’s still a shock to her system and it absolutely breaks her heart.

“Cher, that’s…” Toni still can’t seem to find the words to properly express all the emotions swirling around inside her. “ _Fuck_ , I don’t know what to say. What- How did you- What _happened_?”

“The Boxcar Children saved me, of course,” Cheryl explains, eyes still forward. “Well, Archie more than the others, but they all came.” She says the last part like she still can’t quite believe it, that anyone would come for her. “I had texted Veronica, perhaps as an unconscious final cry for help, and they came and found me here. I had already broken through some of the ice by then, however, and while they were begging me to come back to the shore, I fell through.”

Toni’s gaze follows Cheryl’s onto the water, and she feels like she’s fallen into the frozen river herself, the way it hurts to breathe.

“ _Jesus_ ,” is all she can say, and she’s not even sure she says _that_.

“I got caught up in the current and Archie had to break through a different part to get to me,” Cheryl continues, leaning back into Toni’s embrace. “He broke his hand punching through the ice to rescue me. Ever the gallant hero.”

Toni’s never really been able to form a solid opinion on Archie Andrews, at least not one that’s based on more than _other people’s_ opinions of him, but he’s certainly skyrocketed up her list within seconds.

And she gets it now, why Cheryl was so upset about his arrest last month and why she insisted on helping him so forcefully; why she convinced Nana Rose to let her dip into her inheritance to help pay his ridiculously high bail so Veronica didn’t have to use her now limited funds.

“You have no idea how glad I am that he did,” Toni whispers, brushing red hair aside to press gentle kisses to Cheryl’s shoulder through the thin material of her dress. “I don’t even want to imagine you not being here.”

“When I fell through and hit that freezing water, I knew immediately I’d made a terrible mistake and that I didn’t want to die,” Cheryl tells her after a moment, and it sounds more like a promise than a part of her story. She finally turns around then, staying in Toni’s arms, but needing to look into her eyes. “I want you to know that I haven’t felt that way since, not even at my absolute lowest points.” She reaches up to hold Toni’s face gently. “I don’t want you to worry about me ever doing something like that again.”

“I’m not,” Toni tries to reassure her, even though it might not be completely true. She’ll probably always worry now, no matter how hard she’ll try not to, but she doesn’t want to burden her girlfriend with that; not with all the other weight she carries around.

Cheryl looks like she knows, though, and while they’re sad, Toni also sees understanding in her eyes.

“I just got you, TT, and I don’t have any plans of leaving you,” she still assures her anyways.

Toni covers Cheryl’s hands with her own, turning her head just enough to press three quick kisses to her palm, but keeping her eyes locked on full brown ones.

“You’re so fucking strong, Cher,” she tells her, words a little choked up but still steady and determined. “I already knew you were, but everyday I find a new reason to think so.”

Cheryl laughs disbelievingly and tries to avert her gaze. “I’m really not.”

“You _are_ ,” Toni insists, threading their fingers together and moving their linked hands to her lips, kissing Cheryl’s fingers now, and tugging them until she’s looking up at her. “You’ve been through so much, Cheryl - you’ve _survived_ so much - and you’re still here; still an amazing, loving, _wonderful_ girl, who fights every single day to be better - better than your past and your parents and everything they did to you and tried to make you into.”

“Toni,” Cheryl whispers, eyes glistening and awed.

“You’re the strongest person I know, Cheryl Bombshell, _bar fucking none_.”

Cheryl’s crying now, those kind of silent elegant tears that only someone as beautiful as her can pull off, but they still tug at Toni’s heartstrings; even if they’re more happy than sad, they’re only falling because nobody else has ever told her any of this before.

It strikes Toni in that moment, just how much she loves Cheryl; the enormity of it, and the intensity.

She doesn’t tell her, though, not yet - not after all that.

Not today.

Today is for Jason, and Cheryl, and healing.

She’ll tell her another day, sometime soon, when the moment is perfect and about only them; when there’s no sadness or loss lingering nearby.

For now, though, instead of telling Cheryl she loves her, Toni wipes away her tears, kisses her forehead, and pulls her into a warm hug.

Instead, she shows her.

 

 

**ii.**

It’s a couple of weeks into the summer before it rains for the first time, and while Cheryl is disappointed that their plans to sunbathe by the pool have been ruined, Toni - who actually checked the weather report yesterday - already has the perfect backup plan in place: a gay movie marathon.

Her logic is that Cheryl has spent so many years repressing her sexuality that she’s missed so many good and so-bad-they’re-good gay cinema staples and it needs to be remedied immediately.

So, Cheryl does her research like the straight A student that she is and finds a list of must see flicks on the internet so she and her girlfriend can settle in for a long day of Netflix and Chilling at Thistlehouse.

Love, Simon is third on the list, and when Cheryl suggests they skip it due to the fact that they’ve both already seen it, Toni is vehemently against the idea, arguing that watching the movie they saw on their first date would be romantic.

“That was _not_ our first date,” Cheryl strongly disagrees right off the bat.

“Uh, we saw a movie and got a milkshake after, then you shared a tragic backstory and I held your hand,” Toni recaps for the redhead, sending her a challenging look as her smile settles into more of a victorious smirk. “Sounds like a date to me.”

Cheryl holds her dubious expression for a moment longer before it falls completely. “I suppose one can’t argue with that,” she concedes, and maybe she’d return Toni’s smile if thinking of that night didn’t make her wonder. “Why were you so kind to me that day, anyways?” she can’t help but ask suddenly, though the thought itself is anything but. “When you looked ready to rearrange my flawlessly proportioned face when last we spoke?”

If Toni is thrown by the question, she doesn’t show it. “First, I’d never mess up a face that pretty, no matter how infuriating the mouth attached to it was,” she corrects her, words and smile as charming as each other while she leans closer. “Especially not when it’s a mouth like yours.”

She kisses her then, light to start and wanting for more, but Cheryl only gives a little before she pulls away enough for Toni to chase her.

“You’re deflecting, TT,” she whispers against her lips and it makes Toni drop her head back against the couch with a laugh that sounds more like a groan.

“Okay, full disclosure, yeah, I was definitely ready to throw down with you that day in the hallway,” she admits with a grimace, taking one of Cheryl’s hands between her own. “Nobody hated the way you Northsiders looked down on us more than me, except maybe Sweet Pea, so being called scum and lazy really pushed all the right buttons.”

Cheryl feels the kind of shame she wishes wasn’t so familiar swirling in her gut as her cruel words are recited back to her, and it’s all she can do not to look away from Toni.

“I hope you know how truly remorseful I am for saying such things,” she says earnestly, words soft but unwavering; meaning it more than anything. It’s something she should have said long ago, but Cheryl can only hope what really matters is that she says it at all. “How thoroughly embarrassed I am by my actions and that I’m fully aware of how wrong my preconceived notions of you all were.”

But Toni just keeps smiling at her, soft and unwavering too, and looks at her in that way that makes Cheryl believe that maybe she’s worth something after all.

“Yeah, I know, Cher,” she assures her, bringing her hand to her lips to press a kiss against the back of it before she continues. “After I cooled off and thought about it some, I figured if there was ever a Northsider with a legit reason to hate the Serpents, it was you, with Jason and everything.” Cheryl isn’t sure if that’s actually true, if it was fair for her to judge the many for the actions of a few, but she supposes emotions aren’t always equitable. “And I had heard some things about you, then I saw you standing with us on Pickens Day...” Toni shrugs, like maybe she still doesn’t fully get it herself. “You intrigued me, Bombshell, what can I say?”

“And you thought I was a stone cold stunner,” Cheryl assumes with a sly grin, because if there’s one thing she’s sure of, it’s that she’s red hot.

“Well, yeah,” Toni confirms like it’s obvious, and rolls her eyes playfully. “But I figured that went without saying.”

“Never assume my beauty can go without saying,” the redhead warns her girlfriend, but the slight tug at the corner of her mouth gives her away.

Toni laughs and kisses Cheryl's hand again. “Noted.”

A silence lingers after that, but it’s comfortable.

Cheryl watches Toni with big brown eyes, something like love shining in them as this wonderful girl across from her gives her the time she needs to collect her thoughts; knows she needs it.

“Truth be told, Toni, as intriguing and unpredictable as I was to others, I must admit to feeling like quite the enigma to myself, as well.” It’s the first time Cheryl’s ever admitted that to someone, at least in so many words. Everyone knows Cheryl Blossom thrives on chaos, and she’s sure she’s given plenty of people whiplash with her unpredictability, but she wonders how many of them know how confusing she’s always been to herself, too. “I really didn’t know what I was going to do from one second to the next more often than not; a thrilling, but as you can guess, exhausting way to exist.”

Toni shakes her head and squeezes her hand, moving one of her own to brush loose strands of red back from Cheryl’s face.

“You were going through a lot, though, Cher,” she reasons with her softly, eyes showing nothing but understanding like always. “Everyone should get that.”

That’s true, Cheryl knows, but it’s also a crutch she’s used to justify her behavior for far too long. All the things she’s gone through - the abuse, the death, the torture, the loneliness - they may be the _reason_ for many of the things she’s done, but they’re not an _excuse_.

“It would be a fib if I were to say that many of the things I've done were not in large part due to the terrors I endured daily under my mothers withered yet heavy thumb,” Cheryl admits, leaning into Toni’s hand as she cups her cheek gently. “But I’m afraid I must bear some personal responsibility for the terror I unleashed upon others, as well. I can’t pass the buck completely, nor should I.”

It’s not an easy thing to do, but nobody said personal growth would be.

“Babe,” is all Toni says, like she’s not quite sure what else she should say or what Cheryl needs to hear in this moment.

But it’s okay, because she doesn’t need to say anything, not when Cheryl already knows. “That _horrid_ Sister Livingston may have been out of her hateful mind, but she was right about one thing: I’ve suffered many traumas but that doesn’t excuse my willful behavior.”

Toni’s face falls before it hardens, but her touch stays nothing short of gentle, and her voice, too.

“Cher, don’t, don’t ever quote that woman, okay?” she whispers sternly, pleadingly. She shuffles closer to Cheryl on the couch, until their knees are touching. “I’m proud of you, for wanting to take responsibility for the things you’ve done, but please don’t ever think _anything_ anyone said to you in that place was _right_.” Her eyes are imploring, begging her girlfriend to agree. “Okay?”

And who is Cheryl to argue?

“Okay, Toni,” she promises, leaning forward to seal it with a kiss; soft, long, and full. “Okay.”

 

 

**iii.**

It’s been days since their movie marathon and while Cheryl seemed to enjoy herself, Toni can tell something’s nagging at her girlfriend, too.

She might have pushed her to talk about it sooner if it had seemed like it was something bad, but it doesn’t seem to be anything more than distracting, so Toni lets Cheryl come to her in her own time.

They’re at Pop’s when she finally does, and there’s something so fitting about having this particular conversation here; in a booth by the back corner, with milkshakes and privacy.

“When was it that you were first aware of your attraction to girls?” Cheryl asks her seemingly out of nowhere, and though Toni knows she’s been working up to it, she does a good job keep her voice measured.

“I don’t know, I don’t think I ever had any one moment of realizing it, really,” she replies casually, and she almost feels bad that it was so easy for her, because she knows that’s not the answer Cheryl had been hoping for. “I just always liked boys and girls. Girls more, though.”

Cheryl’s disappointment wouldn’t be obvious to anyone but Toni, but she soldiers on. “And you never struggled with that?” she questions, almost sounding hopeful. “Internally, I mean. Or externally, even.”

“Not really,” Toni is sad to confirm, but she’ll never tell her anything less than the truth. “There was stupid comments, yeah; homophobia is alive and well in Riverdale, don’t get me wrong, but I don’t know.” This has never really been something Toni’s thought too much about, at least in terms of herself. “I guess I was just so used to getting shit for being a Serpent that getting shit for liking girls didn’t feel that different.”

Cheryl doesn’t ask about the Serpents, probably because she already knows the answer; she’d been very pleased to discover just how many other members were less than straight.

It had never been any kind of deal to her family, blood or otherwise. Toni’s never been someone most would call lucky, but she was in that respect, she knows, especially compared to Cheryl.

And it’s for that reason that Toni doesn’t volley the same question back to her girlfriend, doesn’t ask her if there were any girls before Heather, and instead asks her something else she’s curious to know.

“What about you, Bombshell?” she wonders, toying with the straw of her shake. “Who are you into?”

“I’m very much into _you_ ,” Cheryl answers, and that’s why Toni has never asked before; that’s all that truly matters.

But Toni groans, even though she’s hardly annoyed and she easily accepts the kiss Cheryl presses to her lips from beside her. “Not exactly what I meant,” she whines, stealing a second kiss before pulling back to look at her girl. She brushes her thumb over the red lipstick smudge on Cheryl’s bottom lip. “Are you into boys too, or only girls? Or is it just people?”

She purposely avoids using any labels, because there’s so much bullshit and baggage attached to them that can be scary for someone that might still be figuring it out; can still be scary to the people that already have.

“If I’m being entirely honest, I don’t think I quite know,” Cheryl admits after looking like she’s given it some thought. “After Heather, and my mother’s reaction… I forced myself to hide so many of my true feelings, it’s difficult for me to truly gauge whether I was forcing certain other things, too.”

Toni knows what she means, but asks anyways, if just to give her girlfriend that little bit of a nudge she might need. “You mean your feelings for guys?”

She’s never really heard Cheryl talk much about a history with boys, forced or otherwise. Toni imagines there’s something there, however small, though maybe not significant enough for Cheryl to have shared already; nobody like Heather.

“There were a few boys I thought I had crushes on,” the redhead muses, and the furrow of her brow has Toni assuming she’s talking to herself as much as to her. “But upon reflection now, I can’t help but question those feelings; wonder if I truly did like them or merely forced myself to try to because that was what was expected of me; because _not_ liking them wasn’t an option with my mutant of a mother.”

Toni pictures a younger version of the girl under her arm, one less marred by tragedy, with pale skin and fire red hair; tries to picture a version of Cheryl whispering and giggling with her girl friends about the boy she likes or blushing all pink when that same boy held her hand at recess or asked her to get a milkshake at Pop’s like they are now.

She tries to picture any of that, and for some reason Toni just can’t. She doesn't share that, though.

“It’s possible,” she says instead, carefully, thinking of everything she knows, even if she doesn’t personally relate to it. “Comp het is pretty common and one hell of a drug.”

“Comp het?” Cheryl repeats, sounding almost intrigued. It only takes her a beat to answer her own question. “Compulsory heterosexuality,” she easily guesses. “There’s just a cute a little name for everything, isn’t there? And of course you know them all.”

Toni shrugs modestly, thinking Cheryl’s one to talk about a fancy vocabulary.

“Look, by no means am I some gay guru that can give you answers to all your questions,” she finally says, and maybe she should have led with that. “But I’m here to listen, and interject with my opinion, if that’s what you want.”

That seems to be enough for Cheryl, who never really has longed for much else from others. “And what is your opinion, TT?” she asks, more curious than anything else. “L or B?”

“ _Oh em gee_ , that’s a lotta letters, Bombshell,” Toni can’t resist teasing her, and it’s only a little bit to stall for time, because yeah, she has her hunch, but she’s not about to tell Cheryl what it is, because really, what the hell does she know? “I can’t tell you what you are or how you feel, only you can know that,” she answers gently, fingers squeezing the other girl’s side gently. “But I _can_ tell you that you don’t have to have it all figured out yet. It can be a process, unpacking everything, sometimes a long one.”

After everything Cheryl’s been through, and struggled with, Toni can’t imagine she’s telling her anything she doesn’t already know, but it never hurts to have it reaffirmed.

“And I suppose what’s of the most importance here is that I know with certainty that I like girls _._ ” Cheryl says it so proudly and sounding so sure that Toni feels her own swell of pride surge through her, because that’s no small thing.

She kisses her girl then, because she can’t not, and she can’t resist a little teasing either. “You like girls?” she questions in faux surprise. “So you’re saying I got a chance?”

“Mhmm,” Cheryl hums against her mouth, and Toni can practically feel the smile tugging at her red painted lips. “There is one girl in particular that has me absolutely _smitten_.”

“Lucky girl,” Toni mumbles before kissing her again, and this time she doesn’t stop.

 

 

**iv.**

The Serpents are still camping out by the time August rolls around and it doesn’t look like that’s going to be changing anytime soon.

Cheryl wishes they’d at least take her up on her offer to move their squatting grounds onto her property, where it’s fenced in, safe from possible threats, and has empty barns for when it rains, but she understands why they don’t - blood money made off the deaths of their ancestors and all.

Still, whenever she spends time at their campsite, Cheryl finds herself grateful that Toni agreed to move into Thistlehouse with her when she’d asked after Sunnyside fell. She doesn’t think she’d have slept a single wink all summer if her beloved was out living in such conditions.

But she keeps those thoughts to herself, in a show of personal growth. The way Toni squeezes her hand and sends her a _look_ every time she lets a perfectly good chance for a jab slip by tells Cheryl that she knows what she’s thinking, though.

Cheryl loves how well Toni knows her; her personality, her faults, her traumas and her triumphs. It makes her wish she knew Toni better, that her girlfriend would share more with her.

Especially being here, amongst Toni’s people, her _family_.

She doesn’t know if it’s okay for her to just ask, though. Cheryl’s never really cared to know someone before, not like this, so she’s not sure what the protocol here is.

It’s hard to tell if Toni hasn’t shared her past because she doesn’t want to or because she thinks Cheryl doesn’t want to hear it, and that second possibility alone is enough for Cheryl to risk being shut down.

“May I ask you something, TT?” Cheryl finds herself inquiring on a whim, tearing her eyes away from where Fangs, Jughead and Sweet Pea are arguing over the best way to keep the fire going to look at the girl sitting in the camping chair beside her.

Toni’s own attention switches over almost immediately. “Of course, Bombshell,” she agrees easily, squeezing the hand she’s holding in her own. “What do you wanna know?”

“Everything,” she answers quickly, but sheepishly. “About you,” she elaborates when Toni raises an eyebrow. “That wasn’t a preface for a specific question, I was genuinely inquiring if you would mind terribly if I were to ask you something about yourself.”

“Oh.” Toni shifts in her seat, as much as she can in a camping chair, and turns more fully towards Cheryl with a look of apprehension. “Uh, yeah, sure. I guess.”

Her hesitance is obvious and it tells Cheryl that her lack of knowledge about Toni’s past has indeed been Toni’s choice.

“You don’t have to,” she tries to assure her, because Cheryl knows better than most how hard it can be to open up, especially under pressure.

She wants to know all of Toni, but only when Toni is ready to share with her.

“No, it’s, it’s okay, Cher,” Toni protests with a shake of her head. “You’ve told me so much, so many things I _know_ were hard for you to tell me, it’s only fair I pony up, too.” Cheryl’s about to protest herself, to tell her she never wants anything between them to be an obligation, but Toni shushes her. “I _want_ to share, babe, I do. I want this, _us_ , to be balanced.” She takes a swig from her red cup before she nods. “So, what do you wanna know?”

Again, Cheryl wants to know everything there is to know about Toni, but she supposes that might be a tad bit overwhelming for the girl. So instead, she starts simple.

“Your parents,” she says softly, and cringes at the way Toni stiffens momentarily. It was probably expected, but considering she’s never once mentioned them in the entire time Cheryl has known her, it’s not a surprise that hearing the actual words aloud would be jarring. “Can you tell me about them?”

Cheryl has her assumptions, based on things she’s heard and observed, but they’re not much; just outlines without any of the finer details or colors; a rough sketch, if that.

“I never met my dad, don’t even know who he is,” Toni starts easily enough, and Cheryl suspects it’s because that’s not the hard part. “My mom says she doesn’t either, but I’ve always thought she does; that she knows exactly who he is but she’s just trying to protect him from me and my anger.” Toni’s voice turns harsh as she mutters, “Always protecting some man that doesn’t deserve it.”

Cheryl doesn’t miss the way she talks about her mother in the present tense, and it throws her, because she thought for sure she had passed.

“Your mother,” she starts carefully, struggling to find a way to word her question gracefully. “She’s alive?”

Toni almost looks surprised at the question, like she can’t believe that Cheryl might have thought she was anything else.

“Yeah,” Toni confirms, almost bitterly. “She’s in jail, serving ten to twenty on bullshit drug charges, among other things, but she’s very much alive.”

Cheryl doesn’t know why she never considered that possibility; death rates in gangs are high, but she’d wager to bet arrest rates are even higher.

Perhaps Cheryl has merely become so accustomed to death in the past year that it’s somehow become the first conclusion she jumps to when something is clearly wrong.

“I’m sorry,” she offers her girlfriend, for lack of knowing what else to say. “I shouldn’t have been so presumptuous.”

Toni shakes her head. “It’s fine,” she assures her, sending her a pained smile. “She’s not around, I never talk about her, I can see why you’d think that.”

Cheryl is quiet for a moment, waiting to see if Toni will continue on her own, but when she doesn’t, she asks another question herself. “Are you allowed to visit her?”

“I can, yeah,” Toni nods, gritting her teeth. “I have a couple times, but not really anymore, not since the last time she got time added to her sentence.” She pauses then, as if debating whether to leave it at that or keep pushing herself to share more, until finally; “Seeing her just makes me angry.”

“I can only imagine,” Cheryl dutifully replies, voice sympathetic and understanding as she covers their linked hands with her other one. “The conditions of prisons in this country are absolutely abysmal. I binge watched some of Orange Is the New Black last year and-”

Toni’s laugh stops her mid-sentence, and Cheryl looks at her girlfriend quizzically. “Not what I meant,” she explains gently, and even though Cheryl feels kind of silly now, it seems to have made the other girl smile, so she’d say it was worth it. “I mean, you’re right, it’s a shithole in there, but I meant that _she_ makes me angry.”

Cheryl’s not sure what to say to that, even though she’s got the market cornered on mothers who inspire anger.

Still, in an attempt not to make any further assumptions, all she ends up going with is, “Oh.”

“The Jingle Jangle stash she went down for was my uncle’s,” Toni reveals in a rush, like she’s worried some imaginary door will close before the words get out and trap them inside her. “He had priors and she figured she’d get less time than him because her record was clean, so she took the fall.”

Part of Cheryl thinks that’s admirable and brave - thinks she would have done the same for Jason - but then her mind wanders to a little version of Toni, the daughter this woman left behind to protect her brother, and Cheryl understands it a little bit less.

“I’m so sorry, babe,” she sighs, bringing one of her hands up to brush pink hair out of Toni’s face.

“Some part of me gets it, that’s her brother,” Toni continues, leaning into Cheryl’s hand as she cups her cheek. “But I’m her daughter, you know? It just feels like she chose him over me, and everytime I go to see her, it reminds me and I get pissed.”

She rolls her eyes, then quickly wipes at them, and Cheryl wonders if maybe Toni is more hurt than she is angry; she knows how easy the two emotions are to confuse.

“I think that’s fair, TT, and entirely understandable,” she assures her girlfriend, because sometimes when Cheryl’s hurt or angry, she just wants to be told her feelings are valid.

Toni seems to appreciate it, if the small tug at the corner of her lips is anything to go by. And just like that, she deflates; the bitterness leaving her in a heavy sigh to make room for the sadness.

“She’s just missed so much,” she exhales, sad and small. “And she keeps getting time added to her sentence because of the stupidest shit, and _fuck_.” Toni wipes at her eyes again, even though she’s still not quite crying yet. “She’s gonna miss my graduation and who knows what else, and all for an ungrateful asshole that...”

Cheryl can’t tell if Toni cuts herself off or she simply trails off, but suddenly her blood runs cold as she recalls the few times she’s heard her girlfriend mention her uncle. “Toni, he doesn't…”

It takes Toni a second to get her drift, but she shakes her head the moment she does. “No, no,” she reassures her. “He’s an asshole, but not that kind of one; he’s never laid a hand on me. He just never really gave much of a shit about me, y’know? He did the bare minimum of keeping me fed, clothed and with a roof over my head, only because my mom made him promise to take care of me, but as soon as I hit high school, I guess he figured I should be able to take care of myself.”

“And that’s when you officially became a full time Serpent,” Cheryl finishes for her, because that’s one thing she already knew about Toni. So, maybe she knew a bit about her family, after all.

Toni nods. “That’s pretty much the gist of it,” she tells Cheryl, sounding relieved and looking at her questioningly. “Is that, is there more you want to know?”

“That’s more than enough for now, my love,” Cheryl promises, shifting towards the edge of her chair and pulling Toni’s hand closer to press a kiss to the back of it. She uses her own free hand to brush the apple of her girlfriend’s cheek adoringly, her eyes reflecting the same feeling.

“You know, I’ve never told anyone the truth about whose drugs they were,” Toni admits a moment later, and it warms Cheryl’s insides.

“Well, thank you for trusting me enough to tell me.”

“Yeah, of course.” Toni shrugs like all of that was easy, and just maybe, the trusting part really was.

They’re interrupted by the boys not long after that, who still haven’t managed to do much with the pathetic fire in the middle of the Serpents’ campgrounds.

“Ask Red to help,” Sweet Pea’s voice can be heard from across the way. “She’s an expert at starting fires.”

Toni chuckles from beside her, and Cheryl might have been offended if he didn’t sound like he admired her for it.

 

 

**v.**

With everything they’ve shared, the girls have only grown closer over the summer, and not just emotionally.

They haven’t gone all the way yet, but Toni can sense that it’s coming - pun not intended.

While Cheryl hasn’t said it in so many words, things seem to go a little bit further every night, but Toni won’t do anything until she does.

She knows it will be Cheryl’s first time - another thing her girlfriend hasn’t exactly told her, but Toni doubts they would have waited this long to have sex otherwise - and it’s not happening until she’s sure the redhead is ready.

“You’ve been incredibly chivalrous these past few months with your patience,” Cheryl says to her one night towards the end of summer, when they’re lying in bed and taking a break from making out to stare at each other like goobers. “And I want you to know that I’m ready to take our romance to the next level by consummating our relationship, but I fear there’s a couple more things I should tell you before we take that step.”

Eyebrow raised, Toni nods. “Okay,” she agrees easily. “You know you can tell me anything, Cher.”

If there’s one thing Toni hopes Cheryl’s taken from this summer, it’s that.

“Of course I know that,” the other girl promises with a small smile, then stalls herself for whatever it is she has to say. “Firstly, and I know this isn’t likely to shock you, but I should confirm that you will indeed be my first.”

Toni can’t help but smile, because yeah, not exactly news. “I kinda figured that out, yeah,” she admits gently, reaching out to rub Cheryl’s back when the other girl looks a little embarrassed.

“I had been waiting for the right person,” she explains as if she needs to, or as if Toni would ever think she’s a virgin due to anything but her own choice. “And now I’ve found her.”

“Well, I’m ridiculously honored, Bombshell,” Toni replies teasingly, though she certainly means it.

Cheryl rolls her eyes playfully, but leans over to press a smooch to Toni’s already kiss swollen lips; lingering just long enough that her expression has changed by the time she pulls back.

Toni feels the mood shift and so she just waits now, hand rubbing soothing circles on the other girl’s back in the interim.

She wasn’t worried initially, but as the silence stretches on and Cheryl looks more and more upset, Toni starts to think maybe she should be.

Cheryl’s life has been tragic, after all, so why shouldn’t Toni be expecting to hear something else awful to add to the list?

“Last year,” Cheryl eventually begins, voice small and eyes looking a little panicked. “Not many days before we saw each other for the first time at that drag race, to be precise, a friend of Veronica’s from New York came to town.” She pauses, takes a breath, and says his name; “Nick St. Clair.”

Toni doesn’t know if it’s the name itself so much as the way Cheryl says it, but she swears she shivers at the sound of it.

Or maybe it’s because she can already guess where this is going, given the context of why Cheryl is finally sharing it with her, and Toni already knows it’s going to take more than Sweet Pea and Fangs to stop her from finding this guy once she hears what he did.

“What happened, baby?” she asks anyways, trying her best to keep her voice calm as to not upset her girlfriend more than she already is.

“I had the displeasure of meeting him the day before at school,” Cheryl begins, and Toni can already see her eyes starting to water. “He invited us all to a gathering of sorts in his room at the Five Seasons, where we were all foolishly convinced to take Jingle Jangle that Reggie helped him procure from a Ghoulie.”

“I think I might've gotten arrested for that,” Toni can’t help but interject when she puts the timeline pieces together.

Cheryl offers her a smile that reads like half an apology and half a thank you, like she’s happy for the brief reprieve before the hardest part of her story.

“Another fine example of the incompetence of the Riverdale police,” Cheryl mumbles, her words lacking the venom they would usually contain. “I even had to find the identity of the latest Sugarman myself.”

“Wait, that was _you_?” Toni almost has to laugh, small world and all. Or, well, small _town_. “Betty totally took the credit for that.”

Cheryl lets out a breath that’s more like a scoff. “Of course she did,” she says, words close to fond. “My dear cousin fancies herself somewhat of a Veronica Mars, if you haven’t noticed.”

Toni hums her agreement, but doesn’t voice it, letting the silence settle for a bit as Cheryl gathers herself again.

“What happened with Nick, Cher?” Toni asks gently after waiting for a few moments, wanting to move closer, but not wanting to crowd Cheryl if she doesn’t want it right now.

Cheryl takes a deep breath and starts again. “It happened the next night, at the SoDale gala that megalomaniac Hiram Lodge was hosting. We had been… flirting the day before.” She sounds disgusted as she retells it, and Toni knows the feeling. “And agreed to meet up at the gala. He was charming, in a oleaginous kind of way I was accustomed to with wealthy white boys like him.”

Toni knows exactly the kind of guy Cheryl’s describing and she feels like she can probably picture this kid in her head perfectly; his face is just begging to be punched.

“I’m familiar with the character archetype, unfortunately,” Toni replies in hopes of lightening the mood some, and she’s rewarded with a tiny smile, though it’s obviously pained.

“I didn’t think much of it, he was Veronica’s consort, after all, but he’s so much worse than simply privileged.” The hardest part is up next, Toni can tell by the way Cheryl’s getting choked up, and she feels a lump starting to form in her own throat as she waits for the inevitable. “He drugged me, slipped Rohypnol into my drink.”

And there it is.

Toni’s stomach drops the same way it did that morning at Sweetwater River, when she thought she’d heard the worst of Cheryl’s trauma, and she feels all the air get sucked out of her the same way, too.

She fucking knew it.

One of these days Toni is going to immediately know what to say to these kinds of confessions, but today isn’t that day, because all she can say is, “Cher…”

“He didn’t do anything,” the redhead quickly tells her before she can even ask. “He took me back to his room, or he dragged me, rather, but thankfully Josie, Veronica and the Pussycats got there in time before anything happened.”

Toni’s stuck somewhere between relieved and enraged, but she has just enough sense to register the inherent wrongness of Cheryl’s words; something had _already_ happened to Cheryl.

But Toni also has enough sense not to say that, though.

Instead, she moves her hand from Cheryl’s back to her face, and gently brushes the fallen tears off her cheek with pad of her thumb. “I hope they beat the shit out of him.”

Cheryl laughs despite herself and nods. “They did,” she promises her girlfriend. “Sadly, I missed the show, but the way the girls tell it, they did quite the number on him.”

That brings Toni _some_ satisfaction, but not nearly as much as getting to do it herself would.

If she has her nights correctly, the night of the SoDale gala was the night Jughead went through the Gauntlet, and _oh boy_ does Toni wish Sweet Pea’s brass knuckles had been put to much better use that evening.

(Toni tries not to think about what _she_ was doing that night, while Cheryl was being drugged and almost raped, because she knows it’s not fair or rational, but _fuck_ if she still doesn’t feel sick just thinking about it.

She wishes, not for the first time, that she’d met Cheryl sooner.)

“Can I hug you?” she questions softly, and when Cheryl immediately nods, Toni doesn’t waste a second before closing the distance between them and gently taking her girlfriend into her arms. “I’m so sorry that happened to you, Bombshell,” Toni whispers into her hair, because something absolutely _did_ happen to her. “I wish I could murder him for you.”

“He got into a _mysterious_ car accident not long after leaving Riverdale,” Cheryl reassures the other girl, words slightly muffled. Toni rolls over onto her back and pulls the redhead with her, who rearranges herself so she’s more cuddled into Toni’s side than hugging her; arm around her waist and head on her chest. “The accident was courtesy of the Lodges, though not in my honor. Two broken legs is all the justice Nick St. Clair received, I’m disheartened to confirm.”

“You didn’t want to press charges?” Toni wonders, not a trace of judgment in her voice.

She feels Cheryl tense against her at the question, and for a moment Toni doesn’t think she’s going to answer, but then she does. “I was going to,” she reveals in a small voice, fingers curling tightly around Toni’s waist as she cuddles in closer. “But mummy took hush money from the St. Clairs, and so the whole sordid tale was to remain buried.”

Toni’s blood runs cold, even as her hate for Penelope Blossom burns her insides up and she doesn’t know why she’s even surprised.

“Just when I thought I couldn’t hate that bitch anymore than I already do,” Toni practically hisses, sure that if Cheryl didn’t need her right now that she’d find that woman and kill her; then find Nick and do the same.

“It’s okay,” Cheryl tries to say, but she sounds more defeated than convincing. “In a very rare show of human empathy, I was able to persuade her to burn the cheque by leveraging her guilt over what she let Daddy do to JJ. What’s done is done.”

“Honey...,” Toni tries, but the other girl is having none of it.

“It’s okay, TT, truly,” she insists, and Toni almost kinda believes her. “I was in a dark place for a while after - which yes, if you’re wondering, was the largest contributing factor to my massive lapse in judgment and sanity in regards to Josie - but I moved past it. I suffered more trauma and I moved past that too, and now I’m here, with you, and happier than I’ve ever been.”

There’s so much Toni could say - so much she _wants_ to say - but even if she were able to find the right words, maybe there’s nothing she _should_ say.

Maybe she just needs be here with Cheryl, and listen.

So all she says is, “I’ve never been happier either, Bombshell.”

That seems to be the right thing to say, though, judging by the way Cheryl looks up at her with shining eyes and her mouth curled up into a smile.

A hand cups her cheek before lips press softly against hers, and that’s as far as they’ll go tonight, but Toni’s never felt closer to her girlfriend.

“That was my last one,” Cheryl whispers against her lips when she pulls away, eyes flickering open to meet hers. “Perhaps not the last of my traumas, but the last of my secrets. You know them all now, all that are worth knowing; all that make me _me_.”

Toni’s smile is subdued and a little sad, but still ridiculously fond, all at the same time.

“I love you,” she sighs warmly.

It’s not for the first time, but she finds she just means it more everytime she says it.

“And I love you,” Cheryl echos with the same fervor, and it feels better everytime she hears it, too.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading. I hope you enjoyed and would love to hear any thoughts you might have.


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